


Mix a Drink for your Witcher

by Lynge



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types, Wiedźmin | The Witcher Series - Andrzej Sapkowski
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bad Puns, F/M, Gen, Geralt of Trivia, Implied Relationships, M/M, No beta we die like mne, Rating May Change, Trans Aiden (The Witcher)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:41:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25189624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lynge/pseuds/Lynge
Summary: Modern Setting Alternate Universe in which Jaskier owns a pub, and Geralt helps him out.Basically this is what happens when I project the cast of the Witcher onto every shit sitcom I've ever seen.So yeah, this is me, indulging my horrid sense of humor and loving banter.I have no shame.Rated Teen and up, because I can not write anything without cursing like a longshoreman.
Relationships: Eskel (The Witcher) & Triss Merigold, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia & Jaskier | Dandelion, Jaskier | Dandelion/Priscilla, Triss Merigold & Corinne Tilly
Comments: 11
Kudos: 16
Collections: Witcher Rarepair Discord Collection





	1. Lime Green Umbrella of Plenty

Geralt sighed as he sat down at the bar, scowling at Jaskier. Watching the bartender taking stock of the bottles of booze behind the counter, Geralt wondered what scheme his best friend had come up with this time. And why he would inevitably be part of it. 

Well, the proprietor of the establishment was why. Geralt had a hard time saying no to his compatriot. Especially when Jaskier flashed that natural smile and reminded him of all their adventures that only proved hilarious in the retelling. Maybe it was the laid back attitude the owner of the Rosemary & Thyme radiated. Or the conspiratorial smirk Jaskier sported when he made Geralt a proposal of any kind.

Either way, Geralt fell for it, hook, line, and sinker. Every. Fucking. Time. 

It was late in the afternoon, and Jaskier was getting ready for the evening crowd. He'd asked Geralt to drop in before opening, so they could talk about some freelance work.

Geralt assumed Jaskier required a bouncer. He did not anticipate the actual arrangement his friend had put on the table. Or bar in this case. It was accompanied by a mischievous smile and a glass of something colorful. "A liquid bribe if you will."

Geralt looked at the glass of hysterical, almost neon orange and pink swirls mixing into each other. The little lime green umbrella did nothing to raise Geralt's confidence in Jaskiers' latest undertaking. 

Taking a careful sip, trying to not have the ridiculous umbrella poke his eye out, Geralt decided that this specific form of bribery would do for now.

Closing his eyes, Geralt tried not to sound too exasperated. "Okay. Run this by me again. You want me to do whát exactly for you?" Putting the glass down on a napkin, he added: "This is a pretty good Margarita."

"I want you to do a pub quiz here. You know, some general knowledge and pop-culture questions. Get people talking, so they need a beverage to smooth their throats."

Jaskier put the cocktail shaker away and continued; "It's got blood oranges in it, I thought I'd try something different." 

Geralt took another sip and fished the tiny paper decoration out of his glass. "Well, it tastes good. Though I don't understand your obsession with putting barbie sized umbrellas in drinks."

Making sure Jaskier's blue eyes were focused on him, Geralt sucked the drops of fruity alcohol from the stick end of the offending decoration.

"I mean, the drinks are already wet, and this could cause a serious ocular catastrophe." To illustrate his point, Geralt threw the glorified toothpick in Jaskiers' general direction, making sure to miss his friend. "See? Health hazard right there. Lawsuit waiting to happen." He raised his glass at Jaskier before savoring another sip. 

Jaskier picked up the umbrella and tossed it into the garbage, wiping his hands on the navy duck cloth apron he was wearing over his clothes. "Well, excuse me for trying to placate the ironic hipster clientele I have to work with here."

He started stacking beer glasses next to the draft tap. "So, is that a yes or a no?" he threw over his shoulder in Geralt's direction. "Are you willing to help me out with this? I'll pay you for your time, of course, and I'll get Priscilla to make the questions."

Locking his golden eyes on Jaskier's, Geralt sighed. "Why me, though? Why not Priscilla, if she's making the questions anyway?" he grumbled.

The bartender chuckled while he snuck a glance at Geralt from below his lashes. "Because you are perfect for this Geralt," he offered playfully. Jaskier turned around to rearrange bottles of gin in order of size, continuing in a low voice, "plus, I've already had flyers made, and your name is on them…" 

Geralt blinked a few times to try and process this little bombshell. "Of course you've got flyers made. Why wait until I agree to do something." He sat up straight on his barstool, feeling both amusement and annoyance curl together in his stomach

As Jaskier decided the gin bottles looked better arranged by color, Geralt massaged his temples. Wondering if his oncoming headache was caused by the margarita, his clenched jaw, or Jaskier's shenanigans.

"So what do you think, old friend?" enquired Jaskier.

"Alright, I'll do the pub quiz for you," conceded Geralt.

Jaskier shot him a broad smile and started to thank him when Geralt cut him off, pointing menacingly at his friend. "Under one condition, though."

The bartender eyed Geralt suspiciously.

"You have to put these margaritas on the drinks menu." 

Jaskier laughed and slid a flyer, print side down, over to Geralt. "Have I told you lately that you're the best?" 

After giving Geralt's hand a quick squeeze, he turned around and walked into the kitchen. "I have to get started on the bar snacks. Just pull the door closed when you leave; it locks on its own. See you Thursday!"

Geralt finished his blood orange infused drink, exchanging his empty glass for the flyer and headed to the door.

As he heard the door lock behind him, he flipped the flyer over and groaned, looking down at the text; ' _This Thursday at 8 pm, Pub Quiz at the Rosemary & Thyme. Presented by Geralt of Trivia!'_


	2. Hello, Lambert *narrows eyes*

Walking through the courtyard, Geralt wondered why a pig was lying in front of the kitchen door. Stepping over the sleeping hog, he pushed the door open.

He walked in on Jaskier and Priscilla, standing in front of the door separating the bar area from the kitchen. They looked like two children peering over a hedge, contemplating how they would accomplish their next feat of mischief. Geralt decided to give it a minute to see what they were up to.

"It's pretty packed, isn't it," Priscilla said, looking up at Jaskier with a slight tone of wonderment in her voice.

Jaskier gave her a deadpan look. "I keep telling you that not all my ideas are complete shit, Pris."

Priscilla rolled her eyes. "You're lucky you could charm Geralt into this. You know half the people out there are just here to ogle his ass." She poked Jaskier between his ribs, and he quickly jumped away from her. 

"His ass is bound to make them a thirsty crowd," Jaskier said flippantly, booping Priscilla's nose.

Geralt shook his head, and a sliver of a smile crept into his face. "The ass has arrived," he announced. 

Priscilla swiveled towards him with a wide smile. She looked good, wearing the pub's signature navy apron over her clothes and her blond hair tied back. Geralt assumed that meant she had kitchen duty tonight. He liked Priscilla. Ever since she and Jaskier had gotten together, his friend seemed to have settled down. By a fraction. 

Their relationship was stable and comfortable. Priscilla managed to reign in some of the more outlandish schemes Jaskier cooked up. The bartender, in turn, challenged her to be creative and indulge in her passion, cooking. 

"Geralt! I haven't seen you in a week or so. If I didn't know better, I'd say Jaskier is trying to keep you all to himself." She walked over and hugged him. 

"Well, from what I just heard you two discuss, he's more than willing to share my ass with whatever collection of contenders is out there." He hugged her back and threw Jaskier a dirty look over her shoulder. 

Jaskier huffed, handing Geralt a stack of note cards. "Your questions, dear Master of Trivia. Priscilla made sure the letters would be big enough for your old man's eyes, and the correct answers are at the bottom."

Geralt took the stack as he extricated himself from Priscilla and glanced out of the glass panel. "I think you may want to get out there, Jaskier. It looks like your new bartender is struggling with the cocktail shakers." He said in a grave voice. 

"Wait, do I see a group of people leaving?" Geralt squinted, knowing full well that no one was leaving, and the new kid was probably doing fine. Still, he took a small amount of pleasure in knowing that he was pushing Jaskier's buttons. 

Flipping Geralt the finger, Jaskier went through the door backward and disappeared into the bar. 

***

Aiden checked the blackboard for any misspellings of the outlandish names their patrons had thought up.

It was his first night working at the Rosemary & Thyme, and he desperately needed the income. His job interview here was laughable at best. Aiden was a regular at the bar, and when he found out they were looking for extra hands, he jumped on the chance. 

Jaskier asked him if he could work a tap and a cash register. Priscilla pointed him towards the coffee machine. After he nailed making a perfect flat white for her, thanks to those years as a barista during college, they'd agreed that Aiden would work on the pub quiz night, and if that went well, he'd have a job for the next three months. 

Jaskier came in from the kitchen, "so blackboard monitor Aiden, what does it look like?"

"Six teams. And Priscilla owes me a beer. I told her the Scumbags would try to smuggle their Mascotte in." The infamous team never went anywhere without their pig, which they were adamant was a deformed ferret. 

Jaskier grimaced, "Please tell me Bacon Sandwich is not underneath their table." 

"Nah, Bacon is in the back courtyard. No worries, I gave him some water, and he should be okay back there while those four"—he gestured at the Scumbags—"get shitfaced." 

A relieved sigh escaped his boss, "You're a lifesaver already. Anything else interesting?"

"Well, it's five teams and one extremely confident guy that was quite vocal about being able to handle it on his own."—Aiden gestured at the blackboard—" I wished him good luck. He's going to need it if the teams I see here are anything to go by." Aiden had recognized quite a few patrons from campus. Besides, a team always knows more than a single person, right?

Jaskier's eyes scanned over the team names "I'm not exactly sure how hard Pris made the questions, but I can't imagine anyone knowing all—" Jaskier stopped mid-sentence with a groan. "You're shitting me, right?"

"What?" Aiden panicked, had he fucked up a name? "I can't tell what you're looking at. Did I fuck up the spelling? Is this too early to play the 'I'm a dyslectic' card?"

"No, you're fine," Jaskier sighed and pointed at the last name on the list, "I'm going to guess that's the asshat that signed up by himself?"

Aiden read the name. Lambert. "Yeah, that's him, I think he's sitting in the back near the emergency exit. Why? Bad news?"

Jaskier's eyes narrowed, "I'm not sure yet, but if that douchecanoe is here, it means the Scumbags are the least of our problems." 

"Oooooohkay… That sounds oddly ominous for someone joining a pub quiz," Aiden cocked a questioning eyebrow.

Jaskier sighed and stood on tiptoes to check the pub's back, "Yeah, that's him." Rolling his eyes, he sighed, "I knew him in college; he is an insufferable know it all."

"He might be less of an ass now. I mean, it's been what, fifteen years since you graduated?" Aiden shrugged, "That's quite a bit of time, and people change."

Jaskier scowled at him. "Twelve. It's been twelve years. Thanks for reminding me of the passage of time and, by extension, my youthfulness." he said sarcastically. 

Handing Aiden a stack of glasses, he gestured towards the tables in the bar "Do me a favor and put these out there. I think we'll be pouring jugs for most of the night."

"Besides, if Lambert decides to cause a scene,"—Jaskier moved to the other end of the bar.—"Geralt still has a bone to pick with him." 

Aiden wondered what the story was behind that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to Hendrik for beta-ing chapter 1, after that, I went the 'no beta we die like men' route.  
> Written because there isn't enough Geralt of Trivia out there (yes, I completely based this thing on a pun).  
>   
> Yeah, this is basically me posting tiny snippets of banter. I have no clue where I'm going with it, but meh, follow along if you want to.


	3. Always Sunny in Novigrad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eskel gets lured to a pub quiz. The view isn't too bad.

Closing the door of his apartment, Eskel started the walk over to the Rosemary & Thyme. Triss told him to get his ass to their usual haunt because she needed his help. He knew she was simply trying to get his mind off his current situation. That, and he was pretty sure Triss had some ulterior motive. Being one of his friends since college, he knew she rarely did anything solely for altruistic purposes. There would be an angle, and he'd probably know what it was soon enough. 

Pushing his way through the pub's door, he quickly spotted Triss. She wasn't alone. Eskel sighed when he recognized Corinne sitting next to her.  _ Really, Triss? Are you making me the wingman in your shitty attempt at seducing her again? _ Shaking his head, Eskel wove through the bar towards the women at the bar. Isn't there some kind of dating rule where you have to stop pursuing someone after an x amount of rejections? And if there isn't, maybe we should make one right now. 

Triss got up to hug Eskel, the hug holding long enough to whisper in her ear, "How many times have you tried this now?" Triss rolled her eyes at him and slapped the back of his head softly. 

Corinne looked up from her knitting as Eskel gave her a peck on the cheek. "Actually, this time, I invited Triss instead of the other way around," Corinne said it with a secretive smirk.

He laughed and glanced over at the redhead. "And here I thought you needed a wingman for your umpteenth attempt at wooing Corinne." Eskel deftly dodged the crumpled up napkin Triss threw at him.

"Nah, doofus. I finally took your advice and stopped stalking her." Triss took a sip of her beer.

Corinne lowered her knitting. "Turns out, I lasted all of 5 days before I missed the feeling of being hunted. So I invited Triss for tonight's pub quiz."

Eskel groaned.  _ There's the catch. _ "Let me guess. Between Triss' obsession with technology and geography and your knowledge of history and pop culture, you were one person short on biology and sports?"

Triss beamed at him, "Slam dunk Es. Alas, the best of the best were busy, so we settled for you."

Corinne gave Triss a dirty look, "Don't scare him off, T. He's the only person I know that managed to explain soccer in a way I understand and knows how to operate on my horse."

Eskel could hear a pin drop at the latter. Yeah. He knew how to operate on a horse. Not that he would be doing  _ that  _ anytime soon.

Triss cleared her throat and started talking in an attempt to cover up the awkward silence. "Also, we think you'll enjoy the view tonight. The guy presenting the quiz is kinda hot."

Corinne chimed in, "And I hear he's single. Sooooooo." she wiggled her brows at Eskel. 

Eskel signed at Jaskier, waving him over. "So, I'm here to fill the blind spots of your knowledge, and you think I might be able to appreciate the view?"

Jaskier gave him a nod. "What can I get you, Eskel?"

"Hey Jaskier, can I get a beer? Whatever you have on draft, that isn't too bitter." Eskel narrowed his eyes at Triss. "How shallow do you think I am that my knowledge can be bought by shoving some hot piece of ass in my peripheral vision?" 

The moment the sentence left Eskel's mouth, the door to the kitchen swung open, and a guy with a peeved look on his—otherwise stunning—face stalked towards the bar. Eskel tried to look away from the white-haired man, but it was impossible. His eyes were glued to the guy as he walked towards them at the bar. 

It didn't help with Eskel's concentration when the guy started talking to Jaskier with a gravelly voice. "I got your text. You do realize I was literally 3 meters away in the kitchen?"

Jaskier sighed and put a hand on his hip while drafting Eskel's beer. "Yeah, I know, Geralt. I just wanted to give you a heads up. Lambert is here."

He filed the man's name away for later use. Geralt was an uncommon name, not that Eskel had any ground to stand on in that department. Cheers, hippie parents. 

"Hmm," Geralt stroked a hand through his hair, "Do you need me to toss him out?"

Placing the beer in front of Eskel, Jaskier shook his head. "No, let's wait and see if he's going to be a nuisance before doing that."

Geralt turned around and stalked back into the kitchen. It gave Eskel a pretty good visual on his backside. He could probably bounce a quarter off that ass. 

Next to Eskel, Corinne whispered under her breath, "Es, you may want to stop staring."

Triss snorted into her beer, "I guess you've started on the ogling straight away." She looked at Eskel over the foam of her drink. "That's Geralt, the master of Trivia for tonight."

"I was not ogling," Eskel glowered at them in turns, "How do you know he's single?"

Corinne grinned. "I saw his profile swoop by in a dating app the other day, said he's single."

Eskel put as much trust in what people stated on dating apps as he put in the current ruler's word. Not much. But, he was willing to entertain the thought of it in this case. 

He swallowed a swig of the beer in front of him before looking at Corinne again. "Besides, who says he's interested in guys. His profile told you that much?"

Jaskier overheard their conversation and butted in. "Geralt? Yeah, he's a single pringle. And all about equal opportunities."

Eskel knew the bartender listened in to most conversations and couldn't be bothered by it. "And how would you know this, Jaskier?" He raised a questioning eyebrow.

Corinne picked up her knitting again and looked from a mischievously grinning Jaskier to a curious Eskel, "Oh, you can take his word on that one."


End file.
